🪞When Narcissists Project and Play the Victim: Understanding the Psychology Behind It
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
In clinical practice, it’s common to hear clients describe interactions that leave them feeling confused, guilty, or “like the bad guy” - even when they’ve done nothing wrong. This dynamic often points to projection, a key defense mechanism frequently seen in narcissistic personalities.
💭 What Is Projection?
Projection occurs when an individual attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, emotions, or motives to someone else. It’s a psychological strategy designed to preserve self-esteem and reduce internal conflict.
For example:
A narcissistic partner who struggles with honesty might accuse you of being deceptive.
Someone who feels jealousy may insist you’re the envious one.
A person harboring anger could claim you’re always “too emotional.”
Through projection, the narcissist externalizes what they cannot tolerate within themselves — making others carry the emotional burden that truly belongs to them.
🎭 The Victim Narrative
In many narcissistic dynamics, projection is accompanied by a victim narrative. This pattern allows the narcissist to deflect responsibility while simultaneously garnering sympathy. They may reinterpret boundaries, accountability, or even healthy assertiveness as “attacks.”
For instance:
When you express hurt, they may claim you’re overreacting.
When you pull back from harmful behavior, they describe you as abandoning them.
When you set limits, they paint themselves as the misunderstood or mistreated one.
This inversion of roles - where the aggressor becomes the victim - serves to control the emotional narrative and keep others in a reactive, defensive position.
🧠 Why It’s Effective
Projection and victim-playing are psychologically disorienting. They exploit empathy and self-doubt - traits often found in compassionate, emotionally aware individuals. Over time, repeated exposure to these tactics can lead to chronic confusion, self-blame, and even trauma responses such as hypervigilance or emotional numbing.
🛡️ Grounding in Reality
Protecting yourself begins with awareness.
Recognize consistent patterns, not isolated incidents.
Avoid engaging in circular arguments meant to distort reality.
Hold firm to your boundaries, even when guilt or manipulation arise.
Seek professional support when the dynamic becomes emotionally destabilizing - therapy can help you rebuild clarity, trust, and a grounded sense of self.
🌱 The Takeaway
Narcissistic projection isn’t about truth - it’s about protection of the self at any cost. By understanding these mechanisms, you can learn to disentangle from false guilt and begin reclaiming your emotional equilibrium.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson is a licensed clinical psychologist accepting many insurances including Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem, and many more.
🎄 When the Holidays Bring More Pressure Than Peace: Parenting and Mental Health
By: Dr. Jenn M.G., Licensed Clinical Psychologist
The holidays are often painted as a season of joy, magic, and togetherness—but for many parents, they can also be a time of stress, comparison, and emotional overload. Between school events, family expectations, financial pressures, and trying to “make memories,” it’s easy to lose sight of your own mental well-being.
The Myth of the “Perfect” Holiday
Social media can make it seem like everyone else is creating picture-perfect moments—matching pajamas, glowing lights, and endless smiles. But perfection is rarely the goal our kids actually need from us. What they crave most is connection, presence, and a sense of safety.
If you find yourself tense, over-scheduled, or stretched thin, remember: your children will remember how it felt to be with you more than how things looked.
Managing Emotional Overload
The holidays can stir up old family dynamics, financial worries, or grief for those we’ve lost. For parents, this emotional layering can lead to irritability, burnout, or guilt for not “doing it right.”
Try a few grounding practices:
Take a few deep breaths before entering a crowded room or family gathering.
Build in transition time after social events so your kids (and you) can decompress.
Replace “What’s wrong with me?” with “What do I need right now?”
Modeling Emotional Regulation for Kids
Children learn emotional regulation by watching us. When you pause instead of snapping, express that you need a break, or admit that something feels hard—you’re giving your child permission to be human too.
A quick repair (“I was overwhelmed and raised my voice. Let’s start again.”) teaches more resilience than a flawless day ever could.
Reclaiming What Matters
Ask yourself:
What traditions actually bring my family joy?
What could I let go of this year to make space for calm and connection?
How do I want my kids to feel when they think back on this season?
Often, scaling back expectations is the most loving thing you can do—for your family and your mental health.
✨ Remember: The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. You’re modeling emotional health every time you choose presence over pressure, connection over chaos, and authenticity over appearances.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson
Licensed Clinical Psychologist | Founder, The Merthe-Grayson Center for Psychology and Wellness
Now accepting new patients — in person and via telehealth.
In-network with Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem BCBS, United Healthcare, and others.
🧠 Pressure Isn’t the Enemy: How to Harness Anxiety for Peak Performance
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
If you’re an athlete, you know that feeling.
The pregame nerves. The pounding heart. The tightening in your chest before a big play.
We often label that sensation as anxiety — something to fight, calm down, or make disappear. But what if that very energy could be the key to unlocking your best performance?
⚡ The Truth About Performance Anxiety
Anxiety is your body’s activation system — it’s what sharpens focus, increases alertness, and prepares your muscles to move. In moderation, it’s not a problem; it’s fuel.
The issue isn’t anxiety itself — it’s our interpretation of it. When we think “something’s wrong with me” because we’re anxious, the body’s helpful activation starts to spiral into self-doubt.
Instead, athletes who thrive under pressure learn to see that same physiological response — the adrenaline, the butterflies — as a sign that they’re ready.
It’s not anxiety, it’s energy. Your body is gearing up for game time.
🧩 The Zone Between Calm and Chaos
There’s a sweet spot between being too relaxed and too overwhelmed — psychologists call it the optimal zone of arousal (Yerkes-Dodson Law). When you hit that middle zone, your body is activated but your mind remains clear.
This is what athletes often describe as flow:
Time slows down
Movements feel automatic
Focus narrows to just the task
The key is learning what your personal zone feels like and how to get there intentionally.
🏋️♀️ How to Harness the Pressure
Pressure moments are unavoidable — playoffs, tryouts, key shots, penalty kicks, the final lap. Instead of trying to “calm down,” train yourself to reframe and regulate:
1️⃣ Reframe the feeling.
Instead of “I’m nervous,” say “I’m ready.” Language shapes physiology. Studies show that labeling anxiety as excitement keeps heart rate and focus optimized.
2️⃣ Breathe on purpose.
Try a centering breath: inhale for 4, hold for 2, exhale for 6. It lowers tension but keeps your energy high enough to perform.
3️⃣ Use pre-performance routines.
Rituals (stretching, deep breath, visualization, cue words) create familiarity in unpredictable moments. They tell your brain, “I’ve been here before.”
4️⃣ Focus on controllables.
Effort, attitude, body language — these are always under your control. When pressure rises, anchor to what’s stable.
5️⃣ Review and recover.
After the game, process — don’t punish. Reflect on what worked, what didn’t, and what you’ll try next time. That’s how resilience builds.
🧠 From Threat to Challenge
Elite performers learn to interpret pressure as a challenge state, not a threat state.
A threat says: “What if I fail?”
A challenge says: “Let’s see what I can do.”
That tiny shift in mindset changes hormonal and neural responses — leading to more efficient oxygen flow, faster reaction times, and sharper focus.
Performance anxiety doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you care.
And with the right tools, that same energy can become your competitive advantage.
Dr. Jennifer Merthe-Grayson
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Now accepting new patients in Ohio and via telehealth.
Insurance accepted: Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem BCBS, United Healthcare, and others.