🪞When Narcissists Project and Play the Victim: Understanding the Psychology Behind It
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
In clinical practice, it’s common to hear clients describe interactions that leave them feeling confused, guilty, or “like the bad guy” - even when they’ve done nothing wrong. This dynamic often points to projection, a key defense mechanism frequently seen in narcissistic personalities.
đź’ What Is Projection?
Projection occurs when an individual attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, emotions, or motives to someone else. It’s a psychological strategy designed to preserve self-esteem and reduce internal conflict.
For example:
A narcissistic partner who struggles with honesty might accuse you of being deceptive.
Someone who feels jealousy may insist you’re the envious one.
A person harboring anger could claim you’re always “too emotional.”
Through projection, the narcissist externalizes what they cannot tolerate within themselves — making others carry the emotional burden that truly belongs to them.
🎠The Victim Narrative
In many narcissistic dynamics, projection is accompanied by a victim narrative. This pattern allows the narcissist to deflect responsibility while simultaneously garnering sympathy. They may reinterpret boundaries, accountability, or even healthy assertiveness as “attacks.”
For instance:
When you express hurt, they may claim you’re overreacting.
When you pull back from harmful behavior, they describe you as abandoning them.
When you set limits, they paint themselves as the misunderstood or mistreated one.
This inversion of roles - where the aggressor becomes the victim - serves to control the emotional narrative and keep others in a reactive, defensive position.
🧠Why It’s Effective
Projection and victim-playing are psychologically disorienting. They exploit empathy and self-doubt - traits often found in compassionate, emotionally aware individuals. Over time, repeated exposure to these tactics can lead to chronic confusion, self-blame, and even trauma responses such as hypervigilance or emotional numbing.
🛡️ Grounding in Reality
Protecting yourself begins with awareness.
Recognize consistent patterns, not isolated incidents.
Avoid engaging in circular arguments meant to distort reality.
Hold firm to your boundaries, even when guilt or manipulation arise.
Seek professional support when the dynamic becomes emotionally destabilizing - therapy can help you rebuild clarity, trust, and a grounded sense of self.
🌱 The Takeaway
Narcissistic projection isn’t about truth - it’s about protection of the self at any cost. By understanding these mechanisms, you can learn to disentangle from false guilt and begin reclaiming your emotional equilibrium.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson is a licensed clinical psychologist accepting many insurances including Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem, and many more.