💭 The Psychology of Money: Why Our Emotions Matter More Than Our Math
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Money is rarely just about numbers.
For many people, it represents safety, identity, power, or love. When those meanings collide with stress, childhood experiences, or relationship dynamics, our financial behavior becomes less about budgets-and more about emotion regulation.
The Hidden Emotions Behind Spending and Saving
From a psychological perspective, money activates the same neural circuits involved in reward and threat detection.
Overspending often serves as short-term emotional regulation-relieving stress, loneliness, or shame.
Hoarding or extreme saving can reflect fear of loss or a belief that safety must be self-created.
Avoidance of finances (not checking accounts, ignoring bills) often signals anxiety, learned helplessness, or early family models of chaos and secrecy around money.
These patterns aren’t about “willpower.” They’re about conditioning-the stories we learned about worth, scarcity, and control.
How Childhood Scripts Shape Financial Mindsets
Psychologists often trace money behavior back to attachment and family systems. Ask yourself:
Was money discussed calmly or fought over?
Did one parent control the finances?
Were you praised or shamed for wanting things?
Did financial stability feel predictable-or always one crisis away?
These experiences shape financial attachment styles:
Avoidant: “I don’t want to think about money; it stresses me out.”
Anxious: “I must plan and control everything, or I’ll lose it all.”
Secure: “Money is a tool, not a threat. I can face it calmly.”
Financial Stress in Relationships
Couples often underestimate how much money conflict reflects emotional needs rather than arithmetic. Gottman’s research shows that perpetual problems (those based in values or fears) require empathy, not spreadsheets.
Common underlying messages include:
“You don’t respect how hard I work.”
“You make me feel like I’m not enough.”
“I’m scared we’ll lose everything and you won’t notice.”
Couples therapy can help partners unpack those deeper meanings, transforming budget discussions into opportunities for understanding and teamwork.
Rewriting Your Financial Narrative: A Reflective Exercise 🧠
Take a moment to complete this short reflection (great as a downloadable worksheet):
Early Money Memories:
What’s your first memory about money? What emotion is tied to it?Current Beliefs:
Finish the sentence: “Money means…” and “People with money are…”
Notice the emotional tone.Behavioral Patterns:
What do you do when you feel financial stress-spend, save, avoid, or argue?Reframe:
How might you replace fear-based patterns with values-based ones (e.g., “I spend in alignment with what truly matters to me”)?
The Takeaway
Money is emotional-because survival, love, and self-worth are emotional.
Learning to understand your psychological relationship with money is one of the most freeing forms of therapy work you can do. When we bring compassion and curiosity to this topic, we stop seeing ourselves as “bad with money” and start recognizing the deeper human stories beneath our financial behaviors.
About Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson
Dr. Jenn is a licensed clinical psychologist in Ohio who helps individuals and couples navigate stress, identity, and relationship challenges with empathy and evidence-based care. She accepts Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem BCBS, UnitedHealthcare, and other major insurances.
🧠 How to Stop Overthinking: The Cognitive Loop Explained
When Your Mind Won’t Turn Off
We’ve all been there-lying awake, replaying a conversation, scanning for what we “should have said,” or worrying about what might go wrong tomorrow. Overthinking can feel like productivity or problem-solving, but psychologically, it’s often a cognitive loop-a repeating mental pattern that drains energy without leading to resolution.
In cognitive-behavioral terms, this loop is fueled by automatic thoughts, cognitive distortions, and the belief that thinking more will somehow produce relief. Instead, it keeps the nervous system activated and perpetuates anxiety, rumination, and insomnia.
The Psychology Behind Overthinking
Overthinking sits at the intersection of anxiety and control. The brain is trying to predict outcomes and avoid emotional discomfort. But because life can’t always be predicted or controlled, the mind loops.
In CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), this is called the Thought–Emotion–Behavior Cycle:
Trigger → Thought → Emotion → Behavior → Reinforcement
When a triggering situation occurs-say, a friend doesn’t text back-the mind fills in the gap with assumptions (“Did I do something wrong?”). That thought produces anxiety, leading to behaviors like checking your phone repeatedly or replaying past conversations. Each time you do, your brain learns that worrying equals safety or control-reinforcing the loop.
Breaking the loop requires observing thoughts as mental events rather than truths, and then challenging and reframing them.
Common Cognitive Distortions That Fuel Overthinking
CBT identifies several “thinking traps” that keep the mind spinning. See if any of these feel familiar:
Catastrophizing: Assuming the worst will happen (“If I mess up this meeting, my career is over.”)
Mind Reading: Believing you know what others think (“She probably thinks I’m annoying.”)
Should Statements: “I should have handled that better.”
All-or-Nothing Thinking: Seeing situations as total success or total failure.
Emotional Reasoning: “I feel anxious, so something must be wrong.”
Recognizing these distortions is the first step toward disrupting them.
🧩 The CBT Thought Record: A Tool to Break Rumination Cycles
One of the most effective ways to stop overthinking is using a CBT Thought Record. It turns the endless stream of thoughts into a structured process you can analyze and change.
Here’s a simplified version you can use today:
Step 1. Identify the Trigger
What situation or moment set off the overthinking?
Example: My friend didn’t reply to my text.
Step 2. Record the Automatic Thought
What immediately came to mind?
Example: “She’s mad at me.”
Step 3. Identify the Emotion and Intensity
Name what you felt and rate it 0-100%.
Example: Anxiety - 75%
Step 4. Find the Evidence
List facts that support and don’t support the thought.
Supports: She replied quickly yesterday, but not today.
Doesn’t support: She might be busy, she’s usually kind, no conflict occurred.
Step 5. Reframe the Thought
Create a more balanced version of the thought.
“She’s probably busy, and this doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong.”
Step 6. Notice the Change
Re-rate your emotion after reframing.
Anxiety - 30%
Doing this even once a day builds meta-cognition-the ability to observe your thoughts instead of becoming them. Over time, the brain learns new neural shortcuts for calm, not catastrophizing.
Beyond the Thought Record: Everyday Practices to Quiet the Mind
Schedule Worry Time: Give your mind a 10-minute window to “think things through,” then consciously redirect focus.
Body-Based Grounding: Overthinking happens in the head; grounding pulls you back into the body. Try slow breathing or sensory awareness (name five things you can see).
Replace “What If?” with “What Is.” Mindfulness shifts your attention from imagined futures to observable reality.
Therapeutic Support: Working with a CBT-trained psychologist helps uncover the deeper patterns that keep overthinking alive.
The Takeaway
Overthinking isn’t a sign of weakness-it’s your brain trying to protect you from uncertainty. With CBT tools, awareness, and practice, you can retrain your mind to differentiate between useful reflection and unproductive rumination.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in anxiety, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and relationship repair. She helps individuals learn evidence-based tools for emotional clarity, confidence, and resilience.
She accepts Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem BCBS, and other major insurances.
💔 Emotional Affairs: What They Mean and How to Rebuild Trust
Understanding Emotional Affairs
Emotional affairs are one of the most common-and confusing-forms of betrayal couples face. Unlike physical infidelity, emotional affairs often begin with friendship and shared vulnerability. What starts as “someone who really understands me” can evolve into an intimate emotional bond that slowly displaces the primary relationship.
Clinically, emotional affairs are defined by three key elements:
Emotional Intimacy Outside the Relationship – Deep sharing, comfort, or empathy exchanged with someone else.
Secrecy or Deception – Hiding the relationship’s depth from a partner or minimizing its significance.
Emotional Withdrawal from the Partner – A growing distance in the couple’s connection as emotional energy is redirected.
While some minimize emotional infidelity because it lacks physical contact, the psychological pain can be just as profound. Research in attachment theory and betrayal trauma shows that perceived emotional replacement threatens the same neural pathways of safety, belonging, and trust as physical betrayal.
Why Emotional Affairs Happen
Emotional affairs rarely occur in isolation-they often signal unmet needs or emotional avoidance in the relationship. Common underlying factors include:
Unaddressed loneliness within the marriage
Avoidance of conflict or vulnerability
Cravings for admiration or novelty
Stress, life transitions, or unresolved resentment
Understanding why it happened doesn’t excuse it, but it provides the roadmap for healing. When couples explore the emotional terrain that allowed an affair to develop, they open the door to repair rather than resentment.
Rebuilding Trust After Emotional Betrayal
Trust recovery is not about “moving on.” It’s a deliberate, step-by-step rebuilding of emotional safety:
Transparency and Accountability
The partner who strayed must take full ownership of their choices-no defensiveness, no half-truths. Open access to communication channels, calendar transparency, and emotional honesty are often necessary during early recovery.Acknowledging the Pain
The injured partner needs their feelings validated, not minimized. This involves active listening, empathy, and consistent reassurance. The goal isn’t to erase pain but to co-regulate through it.Exploring the Roots
In therapy, both partners explore what vulnerabilities, needs, or disconnections preceded the affair. This helps transform the crisis into insight.Rebuilding Connection
Couples rebuild trust through small, repeated acts of dependability: showing up, telling the truth, and offering emotional responsiveness.
🧠 Reflective Worksheet: Identifying Boundaries and Needs
Part 1. Reflecting on What Happened
What emotional needs were being met outside the relationship?
What conversations or feelings felt “off-limits” with your partner at the time?
What boundaries-spoken or unspoken-were crossed?
How did secrecy, excitement, or guilt show up emotionally or physically?
Part 2. Understanding Your Core Needs
Circle or highlight what feels most relevant:
To be seen and valued
To feel safe and secure
To be desired or admired
To have shared interests
To feel emotionally understood
To experience novelty or playfulness
Now, write one example of how each need can be met within your relationship moving forward.
Part 3. Rebuilding Boundaries
What communication boundaries would make both partners feel safer (e.g., transparency with friendships, social media use)?
What personal boundaries need strengthening (e.g., self-awareness around flirting, stress coping strategies)?
What new rituals can reinforce connection (e.g., weekly check-ins, date nights, shared gratitude)?
When to Seek Professional Support
Rebuilding after emotional betrayal can feel overwhelming. Therapy offers a safe environment to navigate accountability, forgiveness, and new trust rituals. Whether you’re the hurt partner or the one seeking repair, guided infidelity counseling can transform pain into a deeper, more honest relationship.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in couples therapy, infidelity recovery, and emotional reconnection. She accepts Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem BCBS, and other major insurances.