When High-Conflict Ex-Husbands Stop Targeting You—But Turn the Conflict Toward the Kids
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Co-parenting with a high-conflict ex-partner is exhausting, and sometimes, the dynamics shift in painful ways. Many women describe a moment of “relief” when the direct conflict with them decreases—less arguing, fewer hostile texts, less undermining. But then they notice something unsettling: the tension hasn’t disappeared. Instead, it’s been redirected toward the children.
From a psychological perspective, this shift can be understood through concepts of control, projection, and unresolved emotional regulation.
Why the Conflict Shifts Toward the Kids
Loss of Primary Target
In high-conflict personalities, anger and blame often need a recipient. When an ex-husband no longer engages with you, the children may unfortunately become the next accessible outlet.Projection of Insecurities
Children can serve as mirrors. A parent who feels inadequate or rejected may project those feelings onto the child, criticizing them or holding them responsible for things far outside their control.Control Through Vulnerability
Kids are vulnerable and dependent. For a high-conflict parent who craves power and control, the imbalance in the parent-child relationship can feel like fertile ground to reassert dominance.
Impact on Children
Children exposed to redirected conflict often experience:
Confusion: They may wonder why they’re “suddenly the problem.”
Anxiety: Anticipating when Dad will be angry creates a chronic stress response.
Role Reversal: Some children take on the job of managing the parent’s emotions, becoming the “peacekeeper.”
Identity Wounds: Constant criticism can shape how a child sees themselves, lowering self-worth.
From an attachment lens, this dynamic can weaken the sense of safety and trust a child feels in that parent relationship.
What You Can Do as the Other Parent
Validate and Name the Experience
Help your child put words to what’s happening: “It sounds like Dad was upset and took it out on you. That wasn’t your fault.” Naming the dynamic reduces self-blame.Create Consistency at Home
Structure, predictability, and warmth in your home can act as a protective buffer against the chaos elsewhere.Teach Healthy Boundaries
Age-appropriate boundary-setting gives children tools for the future. Even a simple phrase like, “I don’t want to be spoken to that way,” builds confidence.Encourage Emotional Expression
Journaling, drawing, sports, or therapy can help kids release emotions safely, instead of internalizing them.Seek Professional Support
If conflict is escalating, consider involving a child psychologist or family therapist. In severe cases, legal interventions may also be necessary to protect the child’s well-being.
A Closing Thought
When an ex-husband shifts conflict from you to the children, it’s a stark reminder that the root issue—difficulty managing emotions and conflict—remains unresolved. Your role as the steady parent becomes even more critical. While you can’t control his behavior, you can create an environment of safety, stability, and unconditional love that counterbalances the damage.
Children don’t need perfection. They need one parent who sees clearly, validates their experiences, and models healthier ways to relate. That presence can be profoundly healing.
🌱 Getting Clear on Your Values, Priorities, and Decisions
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Clarity is power 💡. When you know what you value, what deserves your time, and how you make choices, you stop drifting and start living on purpose. Without this foundation, it’s easy to feel pulled in a dozen directions, leaving you stressed and unsatisfied.
1️⃣ Clarify Your Core Values
Values = your inner compass 🧭. They point you toward the kind of life you want to build and protect you from chasing someone else’s version of success.
✨ Ask yourself:
What principles do I want guiding my choices?
How do I want people to describe me?
What am I not willing to compromise on?
Write them down 🖊️. Even a short list (like integrity, growth, family, courage) can become a filter for daily decisions.
2️⃣ Align Priorities With Your Values
It’s one thing to say “family matters” or “health is important” … but do your calendar 🗓️ and energy 🔋 reflect that?
Practical step:
✔️ List your top 3–5 values
✔️ Look at how you actually spend your week
✔️ Adjust so your time + energy line up with your true priorities
3️⃣ Use Values as a Decision-Making Tool
Decision fatigue is real 😵💫. But when you filter choices through your values, things get clearer.
Instead of asking: “What should I do?”
Try asking: “Which choice best honors my values?”
💡 Example:
Value = Growth 🌱 → take the stretching, uncomfortable opportunity
Value = Family ❤️ → turn down the promotion that steals your evenings
4️⃣ Clear Decisions Change the Game
When you lead with values + priorities, you stop reacting and start creating 🚀. You’re no longer living on autopilot — you’re defining life on your own terms.
✨ Final Reflection
Clarity doesn’t erase challenges, but it does reduce regret 🙌. When your choices line up with your deepest values, life feels more authentic, purposeful, and sustainable.
👉 Try this week: ask yourself, Am I living in alignment with my values, or just reacting to what comes my way? The answer may be your very own game-changing moment.
The Secret to Happiness? It’s in the Quality of Your Relationships
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
When people think about happiness, they often focus on external achievements—career success, financial stability, personal goals. And while those things certainly matter, research consistently tells us that one factor rises above the rest when it comes to lasting happiness: the quality of our relationships.
It’s not about how many friends you have, how often you socialize, or even whether you’re in a romantic relationship. What truly matters is the depth, safety, and emotional connection within your relationships—those moments where you feel truly seen, supported, and valued.
Why Relationships Matter for Mental Health
Human beings are wired for connection. From infancy, our nervous systems are shaped through attachment and emotional attunement. As adults, the quality of our relationships continues to affect our psychological and physiological well-being. Strong, emotionally safe relationships:
Lower stress and cortisol levels
Boost resilience and emotional regulation
Reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety
Increase life expectancy and physical health
Simply put, we thrive when we feel securely connected to others.
It’s Not About Perfection—It’s About Presence
One of the biggest misconceptions is that happiness in relationships comes from never arguing or always being in sync. In reality, the happiest people often have conflict, disagreements, and ruptures—but they also have the tools and willingness to repair, reconnect, and remain emotionally available.
Quality relationships are built through vulnerability, consistency, and a shared commitment to growth. Whether it’s a partner, close friend, or family member, showing up in ways that say “I see you, I hear you, and I care” can transform both people.
How to Cultivate More Meaningful Connections
If you’re looking to increase happiness through stronger relationships, start here:
Be Present – Put the phone down. Make eye contact. Practice deep listening without jumping in to fix.
Express Gratitude – A simple “thank you” or “I appreciate you” goes a long way in reinforcing bonds.
Repair Quickly – When conflict happens (and it will), lean into honest repair rather than letting resentment grow.
Invest Time – Meaningful relationships don’t happen by accident. Prioritize time with the people who matter.
Create Safety – Emotional safety is the foundation. Aim to be a soft place to land, not a source of judgment or threat.
A Reflection Worth Considering
Harvard’s 80+ year longitudinal study on adult development—often cited as one of the most comprehensive studies on happiness—concluded this:
“The clearest message from our study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
No amount of success can substitute for the warmth of a strong, supportive connection. As a psychologist, I often see clients light up not when they reach a milestone, but when they feel truly connected—when they laugh with a friend, cry with a partner, or heal a painful wound with a loved one.
So if you’re searching for happiness, start with your relationships. Nurture them. Deepen them. Protect them. Because in the end, love and connection aren’t just part of a good life—they are the good life.