Why Letting Go Can Help Your Child Grow: A Psychologist’s Take on Raising Self-Driven Kids

By: Dr. Merthe-Grayson

As a psychologist—and a parent—I often sit with families who are trying to do it all right. They want their kids to thrive, stay safe, and be successful. But in the process of protecting and guiding, many parents unintentionally take on roles that crowd out one of the most important ingredients for long-term well-being: autonomy.

That’s where The Self-Driven Child comes in—a book I often recommend to parents seeking a fresh, science-backed perspective. Written by clinical neuropsychologist Dr. William Stixrud and test prep expert Ned Johnson, this book flips the script on conventional parenting by emphasizing the critical role of agency—the sense that “I am in charge of my own life.”

The Science: Stress, Control, and the Developing Brain

One of the most compelling insights from the book is how stress affects kids. Children (and adults!) experience more harmful, toxic stress when they feel powerless—when they’re constantly being directed without being heard. Stixrud and Johnson argue that when we try to control every outcome—homework, sports, friendships—we may actually undermine our children’s ability to regulate themselves, make decisions, and recover from setbacks.

As a psychologist, I see this often: kids whose anxiety skyrockets not just from academic pressure, but from feeling like they have no say in their own lives.

The Shift: From Boss to Consultant

The authors propose a powerful mindset shift: move from being a "boss" parent to being a consultant. This doesn’t mean becoming permissive or hands-off. It means showing up with support, structure, and respect—but letting your child be in the driver’s seat. You still get to set limits, offer guidance, and hold boundaries, but the tone changes. You become someone who says, “Here’s what I know. I’m here if you need help,” rather than “Do this because I said so.”

In therapy, I help parents practice this shift by exploring their own anxiety about letting go—because often, it’s not our child’s readiness that holds us back, but our fear of what might happen if we loosen our grip.

Practical Examples: What It Looks Like

• Homework Battles: Instead of micromanaging assignments, you might say, “I trust you to figure out when you’ll do this tonight. I’m happy to help if you need it.”

• Friendship Conflicts: Rather than calling the other parent, try, “That sounds tough. Want to talk through how you might handle it?”

• Extracurriculars: Resist the urge to over-schedule. Ask, “What would you enjoy doing after school?” Let your child explore passions—not just resumes.

The Long Game: Resilience, Motivation, and Mental Health

What’s powerful about this approach is that it builds internal motivation. Kids who feel in control of their lives are more likely to persevere, bounce back from failure, and feel confident in their ability to handle the world. They may still stumble—but they learn that they can get up again.

This isn’t easy work. It asks us to examine our own triggers, fears, and desires for our kids’ success. But as a psychologist, I’ve seen the transformation that can happen when families shift from control to connection—from pressure to partnership.

Final Thought

You are still the parent. You still provide love, structure, and safety. But the gift of stepping back just enough to let your child step up? That’s a lifelong gift of confidence—and it starts with trust.

💔When Tech and Trust Collide: Navigating Infidelity in the Digital Age

By: Dr. Jenn M.G.

In a world of smartphones, social media, and endless DMs, technology has transformed the way we connect—and disconnect—in relationships. While it brings convenience and connection, it also opens new doors for secrecy, emotional affairs, and temptation.

As a psychologist who helps couples heal from infidelity, I often see how digital behaviors can spark—or deepen—relational wounds. Whether it’s discovering a hidden dating app, flirtatious messages, or late-night scrolling that leads to emotional disconnection, tech can play a major role in modern betrayal.

So how can couples rebuild trust when technology has blurred the lines of privacy, loyalty, and transparency?

Here are 4 therapist-approved strategies to help couples heal:

💬 1. Define What Counts as a Betrayal

Not all affairs involve physical touch. Many begin with emotional intimacy or secretive communication online. I encourage couples to talk openly about what constitutes a betrayal in their relationship. Is it texting an ex? Hiding apps? Emotional venting with a coworker? Clarifying these boundaries helps prevent future misunderstandings.

🔍 2. Rebuild Transparency—Not Surveillance

After betrayal, it’s common for the hurt partner to want phone access or frequent reassurance. While temporary tech transparency can help rebuild safety, it’s important to distinguish between healthy openness and controlling behaviors. The goal isn’t lifelong phone checks—it’s restoring mutual trust.

🛠️ 3. Use Tech to Reconnect

Technology isn’t the enemy. It can also be a tool for healing. Sending thoughtful messages, scheduling date nights via shared calendars, or even using relationship apps like Gottman Card Decks can reinforce intimacy and support the rebuilding process.

🧠 4. Seek Therapy to Explore the Why

Behind every affair is a story. In couples therapy, we explore not just the what but the why—the emotional dynamics that left the relationship vulnerable. This creates space for growth, repair, and a more honest, connected future.

Final Thought:
Technology may have changed the playing field, but the heart of trust and connection remains the same: respect, honesty, and emotional safety. If your relationship has been impacted by infidelity—digital or otherwise—healing is possible. With the right tools and support, couples can emerge stronger, wiser, and more deeply connected than before.

Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex: Finding Peace Amid the Chaos

By Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson

Co-parenting is never easy—but when your ex seems impossible to communicate or collaborate with, it can feel like navigating a minefield. High-conflict personalities, narcissistic traits, or emotional immaturity can make even basic decisions—like summer schedules or school events—a battleground. But here's the truth: you can parent peacefully even when your co-parent won’t.

1. Redefine Success

In high-conflict co-parenting, success doesn’t look like mutual understanding or teamwork. Sometimes, success is simply protecting your peace and showing up consistently for your kids. Let go of the fantasy of “co” parenting and reframe it as parallel parenting—where you both parent separately with minimal interaction, maintaining boundaries and structure.

2. Set Clear, Firm Boundaries

Boundaries are your best friend. Communicate only about what’s necessary (usually the kids), and do so in writing whenever possible. Text or email provides documentation and helps you avoid getting sucked into emotional conversations. Use concise, neutral language. Think: “businesslike” rather than personal.

3. Stick to the Agreement

Court orders and parenting plans exist for a reason. If your ex frequently pushes limits or attempts to renegotiate terms after deadlines, calmly refer back to the agreement. It’s not your job to explain or justify. Repeating, “Per our agreement…” can go a long way.

4. Don’t Engage in the Drama

You’ll be baited—intentionally or not. Dismissiveness, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or blaming may be tactics used to provoke a reaction. Your power lies in not responding emotionally. Take a breath. Step away. Respond only when needed and do so calmly.

5. Put the Kids First (But Not at Your Expense)

You want to protect your children from the conflict, but that doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or chaos to keep the peace. Model emotional regulation, self-respect, and healthy conflict resolution. It’s okay to say, “We couldn’t agree on that, so we followed the parenting plan.”

6. Get Support

Therapists, parenting coordinators, or legal consultants who specialize in high-conflict co-parenting can be a lifeline. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Joining a support group or working with a therapist can help you maintain perspective and avoid burnout.

Final Thoughts

You didn’t choose this version of parenthood—but you do get to choose how you show up in it. Co-parenting with a difficult ex is exhausting and often thankless, but your consistency, boundaries, and emotional maturity are gifts to your children. You’re not just surviving—you’re modeling resilience.