Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex: Finding Peace Amid the Chaos

By Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson

Co-parenting is never easy—but when your ex seems impossible to communicate or collaborate with, it can feel like navigating a minefield. High-conflict personalities, narcissistic traits, or emotional immaturity can make even basic decisions—like summer schedules or school events—a battleground. But here's the truth: you can parent peacefully even when your co-parent won’t.

1. Redefine Success

In high-conflict co-parenting, success doesn’t look like mutual understanding or teamwork. Sometimes, success is simply protecting your peace and showing up consistently for your kids. Let go of the fantasy of “co” parenting and reframe it as parallel parenting—where you both parent separately with minimal interaction, maintaining boundaries and structure.

2. Set Clear, Firm Boundaries

Boundaries are your best friend. Communicate only about what’s necessary (usually the kids), and do so in writing whenever possible. Text or email provides documentation and helps you avoid getting sucked into emotional conversations. Use concise, neutral language. Think: “businesslike” rather than personal.

3. Stick to the Agreement

Court orders and parenting plans exist for a reason. If your ex frequently pushes limits or attempts to renegotiate terms after deadlines, calmly refer back to the agreement. It’s not your job to explain or justify. Repeating, “Per our agreement…” can go a long way.

4. Don’t Engage in the Drama

You’ll be baited—intentionally or not. Dismissiveness, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or blaming may be tactics used to provoke a reaction. Your power lies in not responding emotionally. Take a breath. Step away. Respond only when needed and do so calmly.

5. Put the Kids First (But Not at Your Expense)

You want to protect your children from the conflict, but that doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or chaos to keep the peace. Model emotional regulation, self-respect, and healthy conflict resolution. It’s okay to say, “We couldn’t agree on that, so we followed the parenting plan.”

6. Get Support

Therapists, parenting coordinators, or legal consultants who specialize in high-conflict co-parenting can be a lifeline. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Joining a support group or working with a therapist can help you maintain perspective and avoid burnout.

Final Thoughts

You didn’t choose this version of parenthood—but you do get to choose how you show up in it. Co-parenting with a difficult ex is exhausting and often thankless, but your consistency, boundaries, and emotional maturity are gifts to your children. You’re not just surviving—you’re modeling resilience.