💞 Couples Therapy - Relational Life Therapy (Terry Real-Inspired)
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
💥 Couples Don’t Fight About Dishes - They Fight About Power, Pain, and Disconnection
If you and your partner keep having the same fight - just with different words - you’re not broken.
You’re stuck in a relational pattern 🔁.
And no amount of “better communication” alone will fix it.
Many couples come to therapy saying:
😔 “We keep going in circles.”
💬 “Nothing ever changes.”
💔 “I feel unseen and alone.”
🚪 “I’m either chasing or shutting down.”
According to Relational Life Therapy (RLT), developed by Terry Real, couples struggle not because they don’t care - but because they’ve lost relational balance ⚖️.
⚖️ The Real Problem in Relationships: Power and Disconnection
Most couples don’t argue about what they think they’re arguing about.
Underneath the surface live issues of:
🔼 One-up positions - criticism, control, superiority
🔽 One-down positions - shame, silence, withdrawal
Over time, couples fall into painful cycles:
➡️ One partner pursues → the other shuts down
➡️ One escalates → the other retreats
Eventually, both partners feel deeply alone - even while sharing the same home 🏠.
This isn’t a communication problem.
It’s a relational problem ❤️🩹.
🧠 Why Traditional Couples Therapy Often Falls Short
Many couples say:
“We learned how to talk better, but nothing actually changed.”
Insight alone does not create transformation.
Relational Life Therapy focuses on:
✅ Personal responsibility
🪞 Accountability without shame
🗣️ Truth-telling with care
⛔ Interrupting destructive cycles in real time
This approach helps couples move from reactive survival patterns into mature, connected partnership 🌱.
❤️ Loving Confrontation + Deep Compassion
RLT is both deeply compassionate and respectfully direct.
In therapy, partners learn to:
🔍 Identify harmful relational patterns
💡 Understand their impact on one another
🧍♀️🧍♂️ Show up as adults - not wounded children
🤝 Restore respect, dignity, and mutual care
Change happens when both partners step out of blame and back into relationship.
🔁 From Me vs. You → Us vs. the Problem
Healing begins when couples shift from:
❌ “You’re the problem.”
➡️ to
✅ “We’re stuck in a pattern - and we can change it.”
Couples therapy helps partners:
🗨️ Speak honestly without attacking
👂 Listen without defensiveness
🩹 Repair after conflict
💞 Rebuild emotional safety and intimacy
🔄 Why We Repeat the Same Fight Over and Over
One of the most painful realizations in relationships is:
“We’ve had this argument before - a hundred times.”
Different topic. Same emotional ending 😞.
This happens because unresolved relational injuries live beneath the surface.
When those wounds are touched - by tone, timing, stress, or exhaustion - the nervous system reacts before logic ever enters the room ⚡.
Terry Real describes this as couples operating from their Adaptive Child rather than their Functional Adult.
🧒 The Adaptive Child vs. 🧠 The Functional Adult
In Relational Life Therapy, we talk about two internal states:
🧒 Adaptive Child - reactive, defensive, shame-based, protective
🧠 Functional Adult - grounded, accountable, emotionally regulated
Most conflict occurs when two adaptive children collide 💥.
One child yells to be heard. Another shuts down to stay safe.
Neither partner is trying to damage the relationship - they are trying to survive.
Couples therapy strengthens the Functional Adult so partners can:
⏸️ Pause instead of escalate
🌬️ Stay present instead of withdrawing
💬 Speak from vulnerability instead of attack
💗 Why Love Alone Is Not Enough
Many couples deeply love one another - and still feel miserable.
Love does not automatically teach us how to:
🔧 Repair after conflict
🧭 Take responsibility without shame
🚧 Set boundaries without punishment
🫶 Stay emotionally present during discomfort
These are learned relational skills - not personality traits.
Healthy relationships require skills, practice, and support.
🪞 Accountability: The Turning Point
One of the most powerful - and misunderstood - aspects of Terry Real’s work is accountability.
Accountability is not blame ❌.
It is the willingness to say:
“I see how my behavior impacted you - even if that wasn’t my intention.”
When accountability replaces defensiveness, emotional safety grows 🌿.
🩹 Repair Matters More Than Perfection
All couples fight.
Healthy couples are not conflict-free - they are repair-capable.
Repair includes:
🤍 Acknowledging hurt
🙏 Expressing remorse
🔗 Reconnecting emotionally
💍 Reaffirming commitment
Repair builds trust.
Trust rebuilds intimacy.
🌱 Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy isn’t created through grand gestures.
It’s built in small moments of:
👁️ Feeling seen
🫂 Feeling emotionally responded to
🗣️ Feeling respected - even in disagreement
Relational therapy helps couples rebuild closeness through presence, empathy, and responsiveness.
🛋️ Couples Therapy as a Space for Real Change
Couples therapy creates a structured, safe environment where patterns can slow down.
In session, couples learn to:
🔔 Recognize triggers
🛑 Interrupt harmful cycles
🧪 Practice new relational responses
🧘 Regulate emotions together
Change becomes lived - not just understood.
🌤️ A Different Way Forward
Couples therapy isn’t about returning to who you once were.
It’s about becoming who you’re capable of being - together.
With support, accountability, and guidance, couples can move from:
❄️ Disconnection → ❤️ Connection
⚡ Reactivity → 🌊 Responsiveness
🥊 Power struggles → 🤝 Partnership
💛 You Deserve a Relationship That Feels Safe and Alive
If your relationship feels heavy, tense, or lonely, it doesn’t mean it’s over.
It may mean it’s time for support.
Relational Life Therapy–informed couples counseling offers a path toward honesty, dignity, and reconnection — even after years of pain.