💬 Why Communication Isn’t the Problem in Your Relationship
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
(A Relational Life Therapy–Inspired Perspective)
If you’ve ever said - or thought -
“If we could just communicate better, things would be okay…”
You’re not wrong.
But you’re also not quite right.
Because most couples don’t struggle due to a lack of communication skills.
They struggle because communication breaks down when emotional safety is gone ❤️🩹.
And no script, worksheet, or “I-statement” can survive an unsafe emotional environment.
🔁 Why Talking More Often Doesn’t Fix the Pattern
Many couples communicate constantly - they just don’t feel connected.
They talk about:
🧺 Chores
👧 Kids
💳 Finances
📅 Schedules
Yet still feel miles apart.
That’s because communication isn’t just about words - it’s about relational stance.
When couples feel criticized, dismissed, or emotionally unsafe, the nervous system goes into protection mode ⚠️.
And once that happens, listening shuts down.
🧠 What Terry Real Teaches About Communication
Relational Life Therapy teaches that couples communicate from one of two places:
🧒 The Adaptive Child - defensive, reactive, shut down, or attacking
🧠 The Functional Adult - grounded, accountable, emotionally present
Most fights aren’t really conversations at all.
They’re two adaptive children trying desperately not to feel hurt, rejected, or powerless.
That’s why couples often say:
“You’re not hearing me!”
“You always twist what I say.”
“There’s no point in talking.”
The problem isn’t communication.
It’s emotional reactivity.
⚖️ Power Struggles Kill Dialogue
When couples slip into power dynamics, communication turns into:
Winning 🥊
Defending 🛡️
Proving a point 📣
Instead of:
Understanding
Repair
Connection
In these moments, partners aren’t asking:
“How do we understand each other?”
They’re asking:
“How do I protect myself?”
That shift changes everything.
❤️ Emotional Safety Comes Before Communication
Healthy communication requires emotional safety.
Safety sounds like:
🫶 “You matter to me.”
👂 “I’m listening - not preparing my defense.”
🤍 “I care about your experience, even when it’s hard to hear.”
Without safety, even the best communication tools fall flat.
With safety, even difficult conversations become possible.
🪞 Accountability Changes Everything
One of the most powerful relational shifts happens when a partner says:
“I can see how that hurt you - even if that wasn’t my intention.”
This is not blame.
This is relational maturity 🌱.
When partners take responsibility for impact - not just intention - defensiveness softens and trust begins to rebuild.
This is where real change begins.
🔧 What Actually Improves Communication
Communication improves when couples learn to:
⏸️ Slow down reactivity
🧠 Stay in their Functional Adult
🗣️ Speak from vulnerability instead of attack
👂 Listen without preparing a rebuttal
🩹 Repair quickly after conflict
These are relational skills - and they can be learned.
💞 Couples Therapy Isn’t About Talking Better - It’s About Relating Better
In couples therapy, the goal isn’t perfect communication.
The goal is connection with accountability.
Therapy helps couples:
Identify destructive cycles
Interrupt patterns in real time
Restore emotional safety
Learn how to stay connected under stress
When the relationship feels safer, communication naturally improves.
🌤️ If You’re Thinking “We’ve Tried Everything”…
Many couples arrive in therapy saying:
“We’ve read the books. We’ve tried to talk. Nothing sticks.”
That doesn’t mean the relationship is broken.
It usually means the pattern hasn’t been addressed yet.
And patterns can change - with the right support.
💛 Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?
At The Merthe-Grayson Center for Psychology & Wellness, I provide couples therapy grounded in:
Relational Life Therapy–informed principles (Terry Real)
Attachment-focused care
Emotionally attuned, direct, and compassionate work
I help couples who feel:
Stuck in repeating fights 🔁
Emotionally disconnected 💔
Caught in power struggles ⚖️
Unsure how to repair after conflict
📍 Couples therapy available via secure telehealth throughout Ohio.
✨ You don’t need to communicate perfectly - you need support learning how to reconnect.
👉 Schedule a couples consultation
👉 Learn more about relationship counseling in Ohio
👉 Begin rebuilding safety, honesty, and connection - together
If you’re searching for couples therapy in Ohio, marriage counseling, or relationship support that goes deeper than communication tips, you’re not alone - and help is available.