đź’” Estrangement and the Holidays: The Psychology of Missing, Mending, or Maintaining Distance
By: Dr. Jennifer Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
The holidays often stir up emotions we think we’ve tucked away. For those living with estrangement, the season can feel especially heavy-filled with the ache of what could have been and the pressure of what “should” be.
🌙 The Silent Grief of Estrangement
Estrangement carries a unique kind of grief-what psychologists call ambiguous loss. It’s the experience of losing someone who is still alive. The person is physically absent but emotionally present, leaving you suspended between longing and self-protection.
This grief is layered: sadness, guilt, anger, relief, even shame. Estrangement may have developed slowly-through boundary violations, emotional neglect, or repeated invalidation-or it may have been a necessary act of self-preservation. Yet, the holidays-with their traditions and cultural messages about family unity-often reopen those wounds.
🧠The Psychology Behind Estrangement
From a clinical perspective, estrangement touches many psychological systems:
Attachment: The holidays can reactivate old attachment wounds around belonging and rejection. You might find yourself craving closeness while simultaneously needing distance.
Cognitive Dissonance: Holding two conflicting truths-“I love them” and “being near them hurts me”-can create deep emotional stress.
Societal Shame: Messages like “family is everything” can compound guilt or make healthy distance feel like failure.
Trauma Activation: Even small reminders-holiday music, family photos, certain foods-can trigger the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses, leaving you tense or emotionally drained.
Understanding these internal systems can help transform what feels confusing into something comprehensible and manageable.
🕊️ Coping and Healing Through the Season
Healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Sometimes, it means finding peace with reality as it is. A few therapy-informed approaches include:
Normalize the complexity. Estrangement can bring both relief and sorrow. Multiple emotions can be true at once.
Define your boundaries, not your blame. Healthy limits protect you-they aren’t punishments or ultimatums.
Honor the grief. Write an unsent letter, light a candle, or create a ritual of remembrance. Grief doesn’t require an audience.
Anticipate triggers. Plan ahead for difficult moments-prepare grounding techniques, limit exposure to painful reminders, and build in time for rest and reflection.
Seek repair only when readiness meets safety. Reconnection, if desired, works best when both sides show accountability, empathy, and sustained change. Evidence-based models like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Family Systems Theory emphasize pacing, structure, and emotional safety.
🌤️ Redefining What Family Means
You’re allowed to build a holiday that reflects your truth. Chosen family, supportive friendships, and rituals that align with your values can all bring meaning and belonging. Healing means integration—acknowledging the past while creating peace in the present.
✨ Remember: You are not broken for needing space. You are healing by choosing emotional safety over obligation.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson is a licensed clinical psychologist in Ohio specializing in complex family dynamics, estrangement, and relational healing. She accepts Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem, and other major insurances and offers both in-person and telehealth appointments.