“The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Why You Feel Crazy (and How to Get Your Clarity Back)”
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
You start the relationship feeling chosen - seen in a way you’ve never felt before.
They say all the right things. You believe you’ve found emotional safety.
Then, slowly, that safety starts to shift. You’re walking on eggshells, explaining yourself more often, apologizing for things you didn’t do.
And before you realize it, you’ve lost track of what’s real.
Sound familiar? You might be caught in the narcissistic relationship cycle - a pattern that leaves even the most grounded person questioning their reality.
Stage 1: Idealization - “You’re Everything I Ever Wanted”
At first, it feels like love on steroids. Narcissistic partners often mirror your values and emotions perfectly. This “love-bombing” stage floods your brain with dopamine and oxytocin, creating instant attachment.
It’s intoxicating - and strategic. This stage ensures your loyalty before the real dynamics emerge.
Stage 2: Devaluation - “You’re Too Sensitive”
Once your trust is secured, subtle shifts begin.
The tone changes. Sarcasm replaces affection. The same qualities they once praised now “bother” them.
This stage erodes self-esteem slowly, often under the guise of constructive feedback. It’s emotional gaslighting - and it works by making you doubt your perception.
Stage 3: Discard (and Hoovering) - “You’ll Never Find Someone Like Me”
When you start asserting boundaries, the narcissistic partner may withdraw affection, ghost, or even end things suddenly.
But when you try to move on, they might “hoover” - pulling you back with apologies, nostalgia, or crisis stories designed to reignite hope.
This cycle can repeat for years. Not because you’re weak - but because your nervous system has learned that chaos equals connection.
The Psychology Behind the Cycle
Narcissistic relationships are built on intermittent reinforcement - the same conditioning that keeps gamblers at slot machines.
You never know when you’ll get the next “win,” so you keep trying.
That unpredictability makes it addictive - not just emotionally, but neurologically.
Breaking the cycle requires two key steps:
Recognizing the pattern instead of the person.
Rebuilding self-trust through grounded reflection and therapy.
Try This: The Reality Anchor Exercise
When you feel yourself spinning in confusion after an argument or manipulation, pause and ask:
What did I actually observe (not interpret)?
What emotion did that trigger in me?
What story am I being asked to believe right now - and does it fit the facts?
Writing this out re-anchors you to your own perception, separating reality from distortion - a core skill in recovery from relational gaslighting.
Healing Is About Reclaiming Clarity
Healing from narcissistic relationships isn’t about blaming or diagnosing your partner - it’s about reclaiming your sense of safety, identity, and reality.
Therapy helps you rebuild boundaries, restore your nervous system’s sense of calm, and reconnect with what’s true instead of what’s tolerated.
✨ If you’re tired of feeling small, confused, or emotionally exhausted, you don’t have to do it alone.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson is a licensed clinical psychologist in Ohio who helps individuals and couples rebuild trust, boundaries, and emotional safety after high-conflict or narcissistic relationships.
She accepts Aetna, Medical Mutual, Anthem, Cigna, and other major insurances.
📍 Visit drjennmerthegrayson.com to learn more or schedule a session.