Stop Tripping Over the Baggage: How Couples Can Unpack Together 🧳❤️

By: Dr. Jennifer Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Every relationship starts with baggage.

No matter how perfect your partner seems, we all carry experiences, wounds, fears, and beliefs from our past. Childhood dynamics, past relationships, betrayals, insecurities—these don’t just disappear when we fall in love. They come with us. Like a pile of overstuffed suitcases, they sit between us, waiting to be tripped over.

🔁 And when we don’t take the time to unpack that baggage together, guess what? We keep bumping into it. Arguments escalate quickly. Vulnerabilities get misinterpreted. We react to our partner through the lens of an old story that may not even belong to them.

So what does it look like to unpack together?

1. Name What You're Carrying

Start by identifying what you’ve brought with you. Maybe it’s a fear of abandonment, a belief that conflict is dangerous, or a tendency to shut down when things get hard. These patterns likely made sense in your past—but may not be serving your relationship now.

👥 Try this: “Sometimes when we argue, I notice I get really anxious. That reminds me of how I felt growing up when I didn’t feel heard.”

2. Create a Safe Space for Sharing

Unpacking only works when both people feel emotionally safe. That means listening without defensiveness, asking questions with curiosity, and holding space for each other’s pasts—even when it’s hard to hear.

🧠 Therapy tip: Use soft start-ups and “I” statements to avoid blame. Instead of “You always shut down,” try “I feel disconnected when we stop talking after a disagreement.”

3. Recognize When You’re Reacting to Old Baggage

We all get triggered. The trick is noticing when your reaction is bigger than the moment calls for. That usually means you're responding to old pain, not your partner.

⛔ Example: Feeling panicked when your partner doesn’t text back right away might be about more than just a missed message—it might be touching an old wound of feeling unimportant.

4. Build New Narratives Together

As you unpack, you make room to repack—this time with shared understanding, rituals of connection, and new ways of relating. Instead of letting the past run the show, you co-author a new story together.

💬 “We’re both learning how to feel safe and seen. Let’s keep reminding each other that we’re on the same team.”

Relationships don’t work because we avoid the baggage.
They work when we turn toward it, together.
The goal isn’t to get rid of it all—but to stop tripping over it in the dark.

✨ If you and your partner are ready to unpack with the help of a guide, couples therapy can offer the tools and structure you need to move forward with compassion and clarity.