The Car Ride: The Most Important 10 Minutes in Youth Sports

By: Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist

If there’s one part of youth sports that kids consistently say affects them the most - it’s the car ride.

Not the tryout.
Not the game.
Not the coach’s feedback.
The car ride.

The space where parents unknowingly build confidence…
or accidentally chip away at it.

As a psychologist, I’ve heard hundreds of athletes say things like:
“I dreaded the car ride home more than the game.”
“I loved playing until the ride home.”
“I just wanted to listen to music.”

We can fix that - easily.

⭐ Before the Game: Create Calm, Not Pressure

Energetic pep talks might feel supportive, but for most kids, they create anxiety spikes.

Use this instead:

✔ “Have fun.”
✔ “Play hard and enjoy yourself.”
✔ “I love watching you play.”

Avoid:
✘ “Be aggressive today.”
✘ “This is a big game.”
✘ “Prove yourself.”
✘ “Don’t mess up.”

Your job isn’t to activate them - it’s to regulate them.

⭐ After the Game: What Kids Actually Need

If your child looks upset:
Don’t coach. Don’t fix.
Provide calm presence.

Ask:
“Do you want to talk, or just music and snacks?”
Often, kids need decompression, not dissection.

Avoid:
✘ “Why did you…?”
✘ “Next time you need to…”
✘ “You should have…”

These increase shame and performance anxiety.

Use:
✔ “I’m proud of you.”
✔ “I loved watching you.”
✔ “What part felt good today?”
✔ “What was hard for you?”

⭐ The Car Ride Contract (Family Exercise)

Have your child choose:

• 3 acceptable pre-game topics

• 3 acceptable post-game topics

• Their preference: music, silence, or light talk

Let them lead.
This builds autonomy — a core component of intrinsic motivation.

⭐ Final Takeaway

The car ride isn’t a coaching moment - it’s a connecting moment.
And when parents get this right, kids stay in sports longer, stay emotionally safe, and stay intrinsically motivated.