đź’ The Psychology of Money: Why Our Emotions Matter More Than Our Math
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Money is rarely just about numbers.
For many people, it represents safety, identity, power, or love. When those meanings collide with stress, childhood experiences, or relationship dynamics, our financial behavior becomes less about budgets-and more about emotion regulation.
The Hidden Emotions Behind Spending and Saving
From a psychological perspective, money activates the same neural circuits involved in reward and threat detection.
Overspending often serves as short-term emotional regulation-relieving stress, loneliness, or shame.
Hoarding or extreme saving can reflect fear of loss or a belief that safety must be self-created.
Avoidance of finances (not checking accounts, ignoring bills) often signals anxiety, learned helplessness, or early family models of chaos and secrecy around money.
These patterns aren’t about “willpower.” They’re about conditioning-the stories we learned about worth, scarcity, and control.
How Childhood Scripts Shape Financial Mindsets
Psychologists often trace money behavior back to attachment and family systems. Ask yourself:
Was money discussed calmly or fought over?
Did one parent control the finances?
Were you praised or shamed for wanting things?
Did financial stability feel predictable-or always one crisis away?
These experiences shape financial attachment styles:
Avoidant: “I don’t want to think about money; it stresses me out.”
Anxious: “I must plan and control everything, or I’ll lose it all.”
Secure: “Money is a tool, not a threat. I can face it calmly.”
Financial Stress in Relationships
Couples often underestimate how much money conflict reflects emotional needs rather than arithmetic. Gottman’s research shows that perpetual problems (those based in values or fears) require empathy, not spreadsheets.
Common underlying messages include:
“You don’t respect how hard I work.”
“You make me feel like I’m not enough.”
“I’m scared we’ll lose everything and you won’t notice.”
Couples therapy can help partners unpack those deeper meanings, transforming budget discussions into opportunities for understanding and teamwork.
Rewriting Your Financial Narrative: A Reflective Exercise đź§
Take a moment to complete this short reflection (great as a downloadable worksheet):
Early Money Memories:
What’s your first memory about money? What emotion is tied to it?Current Beliefs:
Finish the sentence: “Money means…” and “People with money are…”
Notice the emotional tone.Behavioral Patterns:
What do you do when you feel financial stress-spend, save, avoid, or argue?Reframe:
How might you replace fear-based patterns with values-based ones (e.g., “I spend in alignment with what truly matters to me”)?
The Takeaway
Money is emotional-because survival, love, and self-worth are emotional.
Learning to understand your psychological relationship with money is one of the most freeing forms of therapy work you can do. When we bring compassion and curiosity to this topic, we stop seeing ourselves as “bad with money” and start recognizing the deeper human stories beneath our financial behaviors.
About Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson
Dr. Jenn is a licensed clinical psychologist in Ohio who helps individuals and couples navigate stress, identity, and relationship challenges with empathy and evidence-based care. She accepts Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem BCBS, UnitedHealthcare, and other major insurances.