Would Your Kid Speak Up? Teaching Our Kids What to Do When Something Isn’t Right
By: Dr. Jennifer Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
I keep coming back to one question: Would my kid say something?
Not, Would my kid do something terrible? I think most of us have those conversations with our children from the time they're little. Keep your hands to yourself. Be kind. Don't bully. Don't hurt people. Respect someone's boundaries. Don't take advantage of another person.
But that's not the question I found myself thinking about after reading the recent reporting surrounding Cornell University and the Chi Phi fraternity.
The lawsuit contains horrific allegations of drugging and sexual assault involving a Cornell student and names multiple individuals in connection with what allegedly occurred. These are allegations being addressed through the legal process, and that distinction matters.
But there is something else about cases like this that should make every parent stop and think: What happens when you're not the person committing the alleged act - but you're close enough to realize something isn't right?
What happens when you hear something? See something? Read something in a group chat? What happens when your gut tells you that this has gone way past a joke? Do you say something? Or do you look around and wait for somebody else to go first?
That's the part I think we need to talk about with our kids. ❤️
Most of us are raising our children to be good people. But being a good person in isolation is relatively easy. The harder test comes when doing the right thing might cost you something. Your friends might be angry. You might get kicked out of the group chat. Someone might call you dramatic. Your teammate might stop talking to you. Your fraternity brothers, sorority sisters, teammates, classmates, or closest friends might decide you're no longer one of them.
That's a very different lesson than “be kind.”
Psychology actually helps explain why otherwise decent people sometimes stay silent in situations where we desperately wish someone had spoken up. It's called the bystander effect.
When something troubling happens in front of a group, we tend to assume that having more witnesses means someone is more likely to help. Sometimes the opposite happens. Everyone looks around. Nobody else is reacting. And our brains start filling in the blanks: Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe it's not as bad as it looks. Someone else will handle it.
Psychologists call part of this diffusion of responsibility. When you're the only person there, responsibility lands squarely on you. Put ten people in the room, and suddenly that responsibility feels like it belongs to everyone - which can quickly mean it belongs to no one.
And today, the “room” isn't always a room.
Sometimes it's a group chat. 📱
Our kids carry their social worlds around in their pockets. The pressure to belong doesn't end when they leave school or practice. It follows them home, upstairs, into their bedrooms and onto their phones.
Imagine being 16, 18, or 20 years old and watching a conversation take a turn that makes you uncomfortable. Someone says something cruel. Someone posts something that shouldn't have been shared. Someone talks about another person in a way that feels wrong. Maybe somebody describes something that sounds dangerous.
Your stomach tells you this isn't okay.
But then someone sends a laughing emoji. Someone else makes a joke. Three people don't respond at all. Now your brain has another piece of information: Nobody else seems bothered.
That's powerful.
And that's exactly why I don't think it's enough to tell our kids, “You know right from wrong.” Of course they do. The harder question is whether they can hold onto what they know is right when everyone around them is telling them - directly or indirectly - to ignore it.
That's something we have to teach.
We need to talk to our kids about the possibility that doing the right thing might feel absolutely terrible in the moment. Courage isn't always feeling confident and stepping heroically into a situation. Sometimes courage is shaking while you send the text. Sometimes it's pulling one friend aside and saying, “Dude, this isn't okay.” Sometimes it's checking on the person everyone else has forgotten about. Sometimes it's leaving the party and getting help. Sometimes it's calling someone's parent. Sometimes it's handing your phone to an adult and saying, “I don't know what to do with this, but I'm worried.” Sometimes it's being willing to have your friends pissed at you.
And sometimes courage is simply refusing to laugh. ❤️
I think we also need to stop expecting kids to magically know how to handle these situations when they happen. We practice everything else. We practice fire drills. We practice what to do if a stranger approaches them. Athletes practice the same play hundreds of times so their bodies know what to do under pressure.
Why wouldn't we practice this?
Ask your teenager what they would do if their best friend was doing something they knew was wrong. Not some kid they don't like- their best friend. What if everyone at a party was laughing except them? What if somebody was so intoxicated they couldn't make decisions for themselves? What if someone tried to take that person somewhere alone? What if something appeared in their group chat that made them genuinely worried someone had been hurt? What if speaking up meant their friends might turn on them?
Those are uncomfortable conversations. Have them anyway.
And give your kids words they can actually use: “This isn't funny anymore.” “Stop.” “She's not okay.” “I'm staying with him.” “I'm getting someone.” “I don't care if you're mad at me.”
They don't need a TED Talk. They need one sentence strong enough to interrupt the moment.
There is another phrase we desperately need to rethink with our kids: “Don't snitch.”
There is a difference between trying to get somebody in trouble and trying to keep somebody safe. If your friend is in danger, telling someone isn't betrayal. If someone is being exploited, telling isn't betrayal. If someone is too intoxicated to protect themselves, getting help isn't betrayal. If somebody talks about hurting themselves or another person, telling isn't betrayal.
Sometimes the most loyal thing you will ever do for someone is make them furious with you because you refused to keep a dangerous secret. 🫶
And parents, this part belongs to us.
We can tell our children a thousand times, “You can always call me.” But they have to believe us.
Your teenager may someday call you at 1:17 in the morning from somewhere they weren't supposed to be. They may have been drinking. They may have lied about where they were going. They may have made their own terrible decisions that night. And then they may say, “Mom, something is wrong.”
That is not the moment for the lecture.
There will be plenty of time for consequences. First: Where are you? Are you safe? Is everyone else safe? I'm coming.
Because I want my children to know something with absolute certainty:
You will never be in so much trouble that you should leave another human being in danger because you're afraid to call me. ❤️
Maybe that's one of the conversations stories like Cornell should start in our homes. Not just, “Don't ever do something like this.” That's obvious.
Ask the harder question: “What will you do if the people around you do?”
I don't only want to raise children who aren't cruel. I want to raise children who interrupt cruelty. I don't only want them to understand consent and boundaries. I want them to recognize when someone else's boundaries aren't being respected. I don't only want them to know right from wrong when we're sitting safely at the kitchen table discussing it.
I want that little voice we've helped build inside of them to still be loud enough when they're 500 miles away, surrounded by friends, and every social instinct is telling them to keep their mouth shut.
I want them to be the kid who notices. The kid who stays. The kid who checks. The kid who doesn't forward it. The kid who doesn't laugh. The kid who gets help. The kid willing to lose some social approval if that's what protecting another person requires.
Because someday our children may find themselves in a room where everyone knows something isn't right. Everyone may be looking around, waiting for somebody else to do something.
Teach your kid that they don't have to wait for someone else.
They can be the someone. ❤️
🌿 Self-Care: Who Has Time for That?!
By: Dr. Christa Drakulic, Postdoctoral Fellow
Has anyone ever told you that you need to take time for yourself? 💭
You might think, “In my spare time,” or, “What a joke - I don’t even have a minute to myself.”
Busy lives can make it feel like every moment has to go toward responsibilities. Work, family, relationships, errands, appointments... the list goes on. 🗓️
But here’s another way to think about it:
✨ Taking time for yourself can be as little as a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days - whatever is manageable for you.
What matters isn’t the length of any single moment of self-care. It’s making self-care an intermittent, ongoing part of your life - giving yourself opportunities to recharge, relax, and recover when life starts feeling overwhelming. 🔋
And self-care can be pretty much anything!
💙 Examples of Self-Care
💅 A manicure, pedicure, or massage
💇 Getting your hair done
☕ Taking time to enjoy your favorite coffee or tea
📚 Reading a book
🎬 Catching a movie
👨👩👧👦 Downtime with family or friends
🧘 Meditating
🏃 Exercising, jogging, or taking a walk
🙏 Prayer
🎨 Doing crafts, painting, drawing, or coloring
🌱 Signing up for a group or class that interests you
🏡 Decorating or organizing
🎵 Listening to music
And that’s definitely not an exhaustive list!
📅 “But I Don’t Have Time…”
If you’re someone who isn’t used to downtime - or you’re always on the go - but want to try building self-care into your routine, consider actually scheduling it.
Put it on your calendar. 📆
Set a reminder. ⏰
Treat it like an appointment you intend to keep.
This can help make self-care a habit - and remind you that taking care of yourself deserves space on your calendar, too.
❤️ What About the Guilt?
One more thing: some people feel guilty taking time away from their responsibilities.
Try reframing it.
You’re not shirking your obligations. You’re setting yourself up for success. 🌿
Taking time for yourself doesn’t just help you recharge. It can help you show up more fully - and more effectively - for the people, responsibilities, and things that matter to you.
✨ You don’t need an entire day off to practice self-care. Sometimes, you just need to give yourself permission to take a moment.
If this resonates with you and you’ve been thinking about starting therapy, feel free to reach out to learn more. 💙